Entry #3
I’m in the best depression of my life, and I couldn’t be more thankful.
Late in 2016 I was living in a new city in an apartment I couldn’t afford. While I searched for a better job, the bills kept piling up. I’d pick and choose which ones to pay on time, and what would get pushed to the following month. I was struggling to make things work, and just a few months earlier my best friend, Eric died by suicide. In what would be my first depressive phase the electric company threatened to shut off my power. AEP makes no empty promises and I spent the rest of the winter taking dark ice showers.
My depression has been consistent in showing up for weeks, or months at a time. After the death of my friend it was probably a year or so before I started to feel any better than before. While forcing myself into frigid water every day absolutely played a roll in my mental health, I can’t point to any one thing that pulled me out of that darkness. It felt like it just went away. Not all at once. I remember thinking that I was suddenly doing better one day. And each episode since then has been the same way. A wave creeps over me and after a week or two of being down I recognize what’s going on. Then a few weeks go by suddenly I realize I’ve felt better for a week.
These waves of depression are exhausting. When I’m up I feel great but always have a feeling that another three month period of sadness waits for me. This has been the only one that feels different. This time I have 18 months or so of therapy under my belt to help me deal with it. This is the first time I’ve even had the recognition of a depressive episode early enough to take steps to combat it. That’s why for the month of March, I went back to basics. Just like that first time way back in my shitty little apartment, I needed to subject myself to an extreme. Not because I didn’t pay the light bill, but because forcing yourself to do something hard, that you absolutely do not want to do - every single day gives you the power of knowing that you are in charge of your brain.
This isn’t the best depression because all of a sudden I like being down, or that it’s any easier than it was before. It’s the best for me this time because I know it’s not who I am. I’m not someone who has depression. I’m someone experiencing depression. It’s a phase that will pass. Due to a chemical imbalance inside my brain, every day is difficult. I want to be happy. I truly do. I feel like a happy person who’s trapped inside the body and mind of a person who doesn’t want to live. Just knowing that this is not who I am helps a lot.
Along with cold showers, I also set the goal for myself to get back into daily meditation as well as breathwork. Both of these have been powerful tools that helped me get here today. These things are important and I knew that by doing what’s helped me before, could do the same now. Unfortunately, I was not successful in my attempt to maintain fewer than 3 missed days. Pretty quickly actually, I fell straight off the wagon. Standing in the shower with a cold in my head, and a snowstorm outside I made the decision to roast myself with the hottest water I could stand. I hardly meditated, and did my breathwork only a handful of times. Between stress from work, family, and life, I said no to myself: I need a break. And a break I had..
It didn't feel good when I did it initially, but now that I've had some time to step away from building the business, and really get focused on what's most important (family) clarity has come to me. Building Rising Valor is incredibly rewarding and I love it a lot, but the pace I was going, and the expectations I have for myself are unrealistic. Working until 1am every night and getting 4 hours of sleep is not a strategy. I felt guilty taking a break. Like I was being lazy for not responding to emails, editing videos, or posting to socials. Stress from work added onto my mind causing me to spiral. I'm putting all this effort into work and I've neglected to spend time with my family. When I was working on RV there was guilt for not being with the girls. When I spent time with the girls, there was guilt for not working on RV. Taking a little time to not worry about a deadline, or a project and just be fully present with the ones who love me was deeply fulfilling. Every moment I get with our Mouse is a blessing.
I'm extremely grateful for the great, full life I've been given. Every day is surprise. Moments are gifts to be treasured. Take nothing, and nobody for granted. Cherish that which is yours to cherish. All of my problems and troubles are just as meaningful as the other things. Everything has a purpose and I am right where I should be. It's all happened for a reason, and there is not a thing I would change or take back. Life has made me who I am today. I choose to view life as something that happens for me, instead of to me. It's not always easy, and I need to remind myself daily to be thankful. Perspective is hard sometimes. But it's really about how you view things. Your thoughts make up your entire reality.
No I didn't make it the entire month of cold showers or meditative breathing. But that's okay. I'll still hold myself to my punishment in April and delete social media from my phone for thirty days. Them's the rules. I didn't complete the goal I set out for, and I'll hold myself accountable, but I was still able to do a lot for myself this month. I sat quietly with my thoughts more this month than I did last. My breathing routine calmed me down many times. The cold showers kept me pushing myself when I needed it. This was a great goal to set, and I'm really glad I did. The goal was to do what I can to guide me out of a rut. Now I'm standing a little taller, and I'm proud of myself. There's still more rut to climb out of, but I am confident in myself to achieve anything. Of course I couldn't do any of it alone. With the relentless support of my amazing and wonderful Sweet Jess always backing me up, I've always had a crutch to lean on. With amazing friends who reached out, I knew I was loved every step of the way. You guys know who you are, and I can't thank you enough. To anyone who's asked how I'm doing, asked questions about the business, or taken an interest in the passionate work I do, thank you. I'm genuinely thankful.
Rising Valor Update:
Even with taking a step back, there's still progress being made. Earlier this month I joined national experts in a webinar exploring the Intersection of AI & Suicide Prevention - Hosted by the National Suicide Prevention Advocacy Network. Congressman Don Beyer spoke for a little bit and senator Amy Klobuchar talked on the Take It Down Act, which is aimed at sexual exploitation. The entire webinar was fascinating, and really eye opening to a lot of things going on that I was unaware of.
Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation does a monthly advocacy update that I'm really grateful for the opportunity to attend. Each month they give you the what's what in mental health happenings. Legislation being passed or in progress, as well as local programs or organizations. This 30 minute monthly update is amazing.
This month I've also met with my therapists as well as both mentors. Regular therapy for me is a must. I prioritize my mental health work. In addition to our couples counseling, I also see a regular talk therapist as well as an EMDR specialist. It's helped me a lot, and is something I always look forward to. An hour to talk about myself is the fastest way I could spend my time. I wish my sessions were 2 or 3 hours long. Seriously.
My mentors are part of American Corporate Partners and I meet monthly to discuss RV, my career, and regular life stuff. ACP is a program that connects veterans to a professional to help them find a new career, promotion, or build their own business. It's an amazing nonprofit organization that I've been working with for about a year now. Both Ray and Dave have been major keys to my success. I wouldn't be where I am now without their help and advice.
Last weekend I got to participate in a roadside cleanup. Thanks to my sister Abby getting us organized into a team, four of us joined hundreds of volunteers to Kick Butt Columbus to help clean up litter along the city ramps. Our team (Creepin it clean) of 4 collected about 10 bags of trash along the Henderson 315 ramp. There was way more to go and it was honestly overwhelming how much garbage there is. We could spend a week on that one ramp alone and still have more to go. Our plan is to collect a larger team of volunteers for the next one and hopefully make a larger impact. If you feel strongly about litter, and want to be involved with the next pick up, get in touch with me. We would love to have you join us! Thanks, Abby for getting me involved. Special thanks to Mark J for lending me some camera equipment, which I was able to use to capture some of the action with.
Thanks for reading along. Next Weekly Journal will come out on time. Mondays are when I will be regularly posting the blog on the website. Unfortunately I have not resolved the issue with my editing software. I'm currently going through the process of installing/learning a new program to edit with so I can continue to produce videos. I'm really annoyed about this set back, but it is what it is. To the few who always watch and share my videos, thank you. None of them are as good as I'd like them to be. I'm still learning everything that goes into it. I'm essentially practicing in public. I promise one day the videos are going to be really good. I'll get better at storytelling, I'll stop being nervous on camera, and I'll get a computer that doesn't crash when I open email.
Thank you to everyone concerned about me. I'm doing good. I'm in a low period right now, but in a weird way I'm still doing okay. I have so much to be thankful for. I try every day to be a little bit better than the day before. Some days are harder. I'll overcome this. I know reading this may be alarming, I don't mean it to be. My hope with publishing this is that someone reading will relate somehow and feel less alone in something nobody seems to talk about. If you feel like you have nobody to talk to about your mental health, I am available.
Thank you.
I love you.
I am loving awareness.