September 17, 2026
I feel like I'm both doing a great job and a bad job at the same time. On one hand I'm incredibly grateful for my life. On the other, I'm feeling as if I'm not doing enough. I know that I am. I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to. But it's so difficult to not be overwhelmed with the mountain of unfinished tasks.
Everything takes time. The name of the game is time. It moves always. It's like I'm running to catch up with it. I do my best to keep up, and every time a task finishes, I'm late to the next one. I think what I feel the most is not wanting to allow time to slip away. To be left with none. The sand funnels through my hour glass dauntingly. We know this resource to be finite. Everyone's time runs out eventually.
Wasted time kills me. Not only does it rob me of valuable experience, it leaves me aching. A hole inside me carved out by mindless scrolling. Moments I can never get back. Time that would have better served me to be spent on family or building Rising Valor, which supports the family.
Is it part of getting older that we gain insecurity of time? I'll be 30 in 5 months. I was once afraid of getting older and when someone asked me what I feared, I said I didn't know. If I were to guess, it would be not fulfilling my life's potential. I'm here for a reason. I want to use my time being the best version of myself, and bringing joy to those around me. Giving to others feels so important to my life's work. Giving what I can, whether it be time, money, resources or skills. I want to bring value to those around me. I want to be exactly what a person needs me to be. It's who I am to love everyone, serve everyone, and remember God. Either it's time well spent, or it's time I've wasted. Don't waste it.”
If I'm not spending it well, am I wasting it? I think yes. Anything done unconsciously is not living in the moment. Not living in a moment is living outside of time. Living outside of time, to me is wasting it because you're not aware of the moments making up that time. So they go to pass with no notice. Time just gone with no respect for it as the most valuable resource. It feels disrespectful to want more from time, yet throw away moments as if they're replaceable.
The older I get, the more I'm aware [of] the passage of time. It's been on my mind the way a drowning person thinks of breathing. All those wasted breaths taken for granted.
The advice is to live in each moment. Be present. Want nothing more than right now. This is the advice I remind myself of every day. I remind myself not because it's easily forgotten. But life is busy, hectic, and it's full of tasty distractions. Things that feel necessary, urgent, and dire so easily rip us away from presence.
Life in general has a flavor of urgency. Work demands an endless buffet of this, then that. The calendar looks more like an enemy than my phone does. It's the calendar which keeps me busy. Every minute of every day for the next 3 months is filled with commitment after commitment. I don't view the calendar as my foe. He keeps me organized. Every event in the calendar I am thankful for. It is I who fills each line.